Mea Culpa

this past week it was Rosh Hashona and i asked my gentleman friend what he was going to atone for. like every year he said "nothing." and i accepted that with a laugh, because he is pretty much a good guy and does good things for his friends and family. and also i know he wouldn't hurt a fly. of course, i also think that if he had something to atone for he'd probably not admit it to me or maybe even to himself. but i'll take him at his word.

i too think i try to be a good person, and i try to think of others, and actually that is part of my problem because i THINK of people all the time: think about sending them birthday cards, think about calling them, think about a gift that might make them happy, think about taking them out to dinner. but, i follow through about 2% of the time. so, while i am good at heart i am bad at action.

other than this, there are things in life that i regret. things that i should have taken care of. things i can't do over.

1. c 1972 i lost my family's favorite kitchen table. it was a big round wooden table. i'm not sure when we got it, but some time in the 1950's my mum painted it in the country art style of Peter Hunt. on the table top she painted place settings. and on the edge around the table she painted the grace, "God is great and god is good and we thank Him for our our food." we all loved the damned table. it was fun to set it even, because we'd just lay the silverware on the painted forks and knives.

when i was in college i moved around a lot. i gave a tour to my kids in 1997 of the places i'd lived in in Cambridge and Boston and we didn't even get to all of them. in 1972 i had moved into an apartment in Kendall Square. it was huge, but it was cheap, because it was in a real decrepit building. my brothers helped me move in. and i got to have the, now old and cast off, kitchen table. i was so excited to be living alone again. i remember cleaning and painting. but then i remember seeing a crack in the wall that looked really ominous. you could see daylight through it and i looked out the window and saw a long 4 x 4 up against the corner actually holding up the back wall of the building. i called my dad, who came and looked at the building, and then did a Great Dad Thing and found me a tiny studio near his work.

somehow i got me and some of my stuff out of Kendall Square. i didn't have a car. i didn't even have a license. my brothers weren't living in the city then. but one thing for sure: i didn't rescue the table. the table everyone in my family loved. the next thing i knew the building was torn down, as was the entire neighborhood over the next few years.

2. c 1988 my husband bought us bikes at REI. he paid for them and picked his up. while he was on location i was supposed to get mine. i never did. he spent a lot of money on the bike. i didn't call to cancel. i procrastinated. eventually, and several times over the next couple of years, i would call, have someone find the record, make arrangements to go down to REI again. and then not go. there was no excuse really. yeah, i had two young kids, i worked, REI wasn't close, but that wasn't it. i guess i thought that if he bought me the bike he should have brought me the bike. but that wasn't the complete reason. i've forgotten the complete reason.

3. xmas 2006. i bought ky a great pair of Bose earphones. he thought they were too expensive but ky didn't ever ask for much and i knew he'd really appreciate them. there was a problem with them, and for all the months left of his life, ky kept asking me to bring them back and get a replacement. miranda had had a similar problem and said i could get it done on the phone. i never did.

by second grade i knew i was a Procrastinator. mum had labeled me that and i could spell it. i was impressed by my spelling such a big word. Procrastination is my cross to bear. mostly all the things i need to atone for have to do with Procrastination.

a table, a bike, a set of earphones - just 3 of my regrets.

Buff, Ted, Sal, Donna, Bev, Gear, and Kyle. I'm sorry.