last night near sundown when i was swimming on my back looking up at the sky, i was thinking about kyle (surprise, surprise). thinking about what he would be thinking if he were somewhere with a consciousness. and up until this point, when i have had such a musing, i've always thought he would be trying to reassure us that he's okay. that he made it to wherever, that all kinds of relatives are welcoming him, and that he is in good hands and we needn't worry.
but it occurred to me suddenly that if he IS in a state of consciousness, then he is really pissed at himself because he made that one ridiculous attempt at climbing onto a moving train, followed by the off-balanced trying to jump back to the platform. and he's swearing and pounding somewhere, denting a big fist-sized hole in a wall--if there are any walls there--and he's hurt his hand 'cause he's hit it so hard--because he is so angry that he has hurt us all so much. and that his mom and dad and sister and aunts and uncles and cousins and his friends and his parents friends and colleagues from Eagle Rock and Poly and San Francisco and Humboldt and Santa Cruz are all beside themselves with grief and missing him SO MUCH. and that the party is OVER and all parties are OVER. and he can't be comforted by anyone 'cause it's just too early in the rage. and if the rage has been spent, then he's so frustrated because he wants us to know he's okay, but there's no way to tell us. so he's beating himself up about that. ky always said, "it's all good." but that was to reassure me or whomever he was with. he never could say, "it's all good, ky" to himself.
and, so, talk about feeling helpless! i can't reassure him that it's all right (even if it isn't). can't tell him that we're not mad at him. i can't help him lighten up on himself. i can't reassure him that we're fine or that eventually we will be.
and so, i don't want there to be a somewhere that he is, because i don't want him to be eternally kicking himself.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Hhhmm...if Kyle is somewhere having conscious thoughts, then I think he would be finally thinking "It's all good, Ky".
If you follow your early musing all the way through, then Kyle's consciousness may have exploded into the wonder of "more".
The "more" of the dimensions that we cannot see or hear or touch would be overwhelmingly enormous to his consciousness and would include everything as you describe. Anger and rage and frustration but also the comfort and love and peace you always instilled in him with such wisdom...that balanced energy is mathematically indestructible.
Science is rapidly illustrating multi-dimensional time/space concepts using multiple infinity theory, parallel universe theory, and the links between golden ratio and fractal theory which lend credibility to conscious existence in other time/space continuums. Anthropologists know that when tribal cultures use entheogens for spiritual awakening and then make art of what they have seen...they produce complex and ordered mathematical images filled with fractals and golden ratios....the stuff of time/space concepts. There was a generation that once called that enlightenment... : )
Kyle's consciousness carries with it, all the love - all the love he treasured most from everyone who loved him so - especially from the woman who gave him life - you - his mum. Powerful energy, that, even in his physical death. But with enlightenment Kyle gets something we don't get here in 3D. He gets the "more" of closure.
He could only be thinking "It's all good, Ky".
Love you so much, Auntie.
I was struck by what you said. You know I don't believe in a afterlife and Carlos certainly didn't but there have been times in the last 7 months that I wanted and have thought of the same things. Someone told me that the spirit remains and can only feel what we are feeling. So Kyle will feel all the love from us all, if that is the case and somewhere maybe Carlos and him are both listening to music and feeling our love. Anyway it helps to think that way sometimes, who knows......... Its all good we they are in our hearts.
so i have to believe that if kyle is someplace or has some consciousness that it must be a place that is "all good", without worry, without fear, without recriminations or regrets and also without an awareness of how much anguish you/we are in "here" - a place of peace and contentment and pure joy.....
your thoughts are comforting and help me in my awkward searching to make sense of this. thank you all.
Post a Comment