Post Mortem

i am doing well. truly.

the year built and built from the moment of the phone call from gear. i moved first as if under water, swimming and clawing my way through mire and sludge. sometimes it was as if i were climbing a mountain, out of breath, then finally making it over the top, only to run, nearing falling, plummeting down too fast to the bottom.

i still spend time floating on my back in the pool, staring at the sky, watching clouds, tracking birds, swaying with tree tops, wondering about Kyle. but the pain has lessened, the burden is lighter. i breathe more easily.

so i've made it through the entire First Year. there are no other firsts to face. except the anniversary of the memorial in Eagle Rock on August 19th. but i think that will be fine. it's different than the reliving of the 5th, 6th, 7th, and 13th of july. and every holiday, birthday.

i am well. i feel well. i have kept on my eating plan and have lost 57 pounds and wearing size 10 pants (omigod) and am swimming a lot and am healthier than i've been in a long long time. Kyle would be happy, cause he worried about my weight. and Miranda is relieved, i'm sure. she once said, and it stays with me, "Mom, you can't die before I've learned all your wisdom." how could you keep killing yourself with food with a child like that to live for.

soon i am heading off to visit family and friends in New England and that will be both exhilarating and exhausting, but essentially good. i never spent enough time there with the children, but i can't dwell on that, or on any regret, now.

it's all good, isn't it, Kyle.