Kyle's Friend Maria

today Maria came to visit. i'd never met her, but we had emailed a bit. she was out of the country when Kyle died and when we had his memorial in August. Maria sent pictures of Kyle and this is one of the two of them.

Maria had met Kyle when they were both part of the Early Bird program at SFSU. in July of 2003, they lived across the hall from each other in the dorm. they became good friends and kept in touch every few months throughout the rest of his life.

Maria's story is like so many others I have heard. when i--trying to figure out the network of Ky's life--ask a friend of Kyle's if s/he knows another friend--often s/he doesn't. while Maria knew Ky's freshman roommate Phil K. and others, she did not know the other Phil or Flynn or Sean or George.

each time i meet another friend, i learn more about Kyle. and more often than not, i get confirmation of how sweet and caring and wonderful a friend he had been.

for Kyle's friends to go out of their way to email, to send photos, to call, to come visit me--their friend's mother--when they are in LA, this speaks a lot to who Kyle was and to how important he was in their lives.

so Maria and i sat together and watched the Kyle slideshow. she talked about the last time she and Kyle had gone to Mojito's to see Phil's band play and how he'd bought her a Philly cheese steak sandwich. she remembered Ky looking at her with surprise when she offered him her couch (he'd been living in a hostel) as if he didn't understand how good a friend she considered him. she spoke of how sad she had been to be out of the country when news arrived of Ky's accident. we cried a bit and hugged and she assured me that everyone who met him loved him.

this lovely young woman taught me more about my boy.

what a gift i received today.

Post Mortem

i am doing well. truly.

the year built and built from the moment of the phone call from gear. i moved first as if under water, swimming and clawing my way through mire and sludge. sometimes it was as if i were climbing a mountain, out of breath, then finally making it over the top, only to run, nearing falling, plummeting down too fast to the bottom.

i still spend time floating on my back in the pool, staring at the sky, watching clouds, tracking birds, swaying with tree tops, wondering about Kyle. but the pain has lessened, the burden is lighter. i breathe more easily.

so i've made it through the entire First Year. there are no other firsts to face. except the anniversary of the memorial in Eagle Rock on August 19th. but i think that will be fine. it's different than the reliving of the 5th, 6th, 7th, and 13th of july. and every holiday, birthday.

i am well. i feel well. i have kept on my eating plan and have lost 57 pounds and wearing size 10 pants (omigod) and am swimming a lot and am healthier than i've been in a long long time. Kyle would be happy, cause he worried about my weight. and Miranda is relieved, i'm sure. she once said, and it stays with me, "Mom, you can't die before I've learned all your wisdom." how could you keep killing yourself with food with a child like that to live for.

soon i am heading off to visit family and friends in New England and that will be both exhilarating and exhausting, but essentially good. i never spent enough time there with the children, but i can't dwell on that, or on any regret, now.

it's all good, isn't it, Kyle.

The Things He Carried

Ky was in between homes when he died. for a lot of the year he'd been living with Bobby Gardner and a roommate, but the roommate didn't want Ky to live there--and for a reason I didn't figure out--that kid got to call the shots. so Ky was staying a lot with Sean and then he was staying with Gabriel and Ali's family. some of his things--like his computer and his bedding and his green canvas bag--were there. and i think other things were scattered other places. he had his backpack with him when he fell.

Ky's dad gave him the green canvas bag. it is a handsome bag and Gear had had ky's initials embroidered on it: KCM. he gave it to Ky in anticipation of his future traveling. on the 7th of July last year, Gear picked up Ky's things in San Francisco and drove them back to LA. he transferred them--including Ky's computer and the green bag--to my car.

as for the computer, i had a techie friend clean it up. she gave me a CD with some of his files, organized the desktop with shortcuts, and counted his tunes, about 9000. i put the computer up in his/Sal's room and it stands there with the ghost slide show and as a repository of all his music. friends are welcome to come and make CD's.

it took a long while to look into the green bag, but Gear asked for it back of course, so i transferred Ky's things to a paper bag. since last July i had partially gone through it once or twice, but i'd not been able to sort the things and deal with them. similarly, i have not been able to go through Ky's drawers and closet.

on the anniversary of Ky's accident, i sat down with Devon and Flynn and went through the contents. in his sturdy green bag, given with so much love and hope from his dad, Ky had packed:

the incense box/holder MaryLou gave him on Christmas Eve

the refrigerator magnet that looks just like Toby that i put in the kids' stockings

the size 14 slippers than Gear had given him at Christmas 2006

his equally huge green flip flops

Bukowski's The Captain is Out to Lunch and The Sailors Have Taken Over the Ship

Murakami's The Wind-UP Bird Chronicle -- the same one he'd given me for Xmas and had given Laura

the book: The Best Travel Writing, 2000 --another present from his dad

miscellaneous school papers and assignment sheets, kind of in a jumble

head phones

a small handout/poster of a June 8th concert, EEK-a-Mouse, Live at Shattuckdownlow

a small incense burner

a small travel cocktail shaker -- probably from me

a couple of keys

deodorant

spare underwear, a black tie, and a pair of cutoffs (stained with paint)--all his clothes still smelling of him


after Flynn and Dev and i were done, i carefully put everything back in the paper bag. i'm still not ready to make decisions about Kyle's things.

The Coyote

I forgot to mention, that on the anniversary of Ky's accident, while we sat by his grave at Forest Lawn, the coyote came by. To pay his respects? Not sure. Most likely to see if we had any goodies. It was nice to see him.

I'll see you in my . . .

I've passed the 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th. There will be the 13th and there will be August 19th, but it was last weekend that I felt looming and that I both dreaded and welcomed. I made it through, with a lot of help from my friends, family, and Ky's friends. I spent time with several, got calls and emails and notes from others. They were thinking of and praying for me and Mir and Gear. Every message was an embrace. They (you) got me through.

I had a gift in the night. I dreamt of Kyle when he was about 3 years old, about the age he is in this picture, taken on their first day of school after we moved to Eagle Rock. Miranda heading off to Eagle Rock Elementary and Kyle to Eagle Rock Montessori. Except in my dream his hair was shorter.

I don't remember much, but the dream went on for a long time. At one point Kyle was holding my mascara and someone (I think it was MY mum) was concerned, but I went over to him and let him hold it with me as I put some on my eyelashes. Was I ever so gentle and caring as I was in this dream? I only hope so.

I never put a lot of value on dreams, but now they are treasures. I got to see Ky again, so sweet and earnest. My beautiful little boy.

Kyle is remembered by his buds at Sierra Nevada World Music Festival 2008

Thank you, Yuma and Abby.
No doubt Ky wishes he had been with you all in the flesh.
I would like to think he was there in spirit.

The Last Picture of Kyle - Thank you, Abby & Yuma

This is one of the last pictures of Kyle, taken at the Sierra Nevada World Music Festival 2007. Yuma says that he and Kyle "had basically stayed up all night and were hanging out in the camp as the sun rose, just talking and bullshitting, telling people to watch the sun rise; so our friend Abby comes out and takes some pictures, and we take some pictures of the sunrise. The one with Kyle holding out his arms was taken right after Kyle proclaiming to Abby that 'He's so handsome!' The lighting effects were all there from the camera."

The 7th of July, 2007 - Diary entry a year ago today

this is the entry you dread writing. kyle was pronounced death at 4:47 p.m. PDT yesterday, July 6th. my heart is broken beyond all repair. my beautiful big funny brilliant bounding huge-hearted son is forever gone to us.

gearey is shattered. miranda is holding up with dignity and her own quiet sorrow. how can it feel to so suddenly become an only child.

there is so much to learn. i am pursuing my quest to capture both the last few days as well as every bit of news of Kyle. who he was and was becoming.

The 6th of July -- The Longest Day

A year ago we drove all night up the 5 to arrive at Stanford University Hospital ICU at 5:30 a.m. It was the longest and shortest drive I have ever experienced. Della had arrived hours before from Oakland and sat with Kyle, holding his hand and talking to him, as if he perhaps could hear, and praying for him until we were able to get there. If Kyle had any awareness, he would have been so happy to have it be his "Aunt Della" there by his side. Aunt Della was always the one you wanted beside you in the trenches.

A year ago we sat all day with Kyle. His long long body, which was barely scratched, was barely contained by the bed. His head was bandaged with one eye covered and his bruised face was swollen. As the hours ticked by, I kept hoping we could keep Kyle on life support until his sister, an uncle, an aunt, and a cousin, and a few friends arrived from New York, Southern California, and Massachusetts to say their goodbyes. Every little while, the doctors and nurses would throw us out to do more tests or other medical processes. Although it would never be enough, nevertheless, I got a good amount of time with Kyle, in spite of all the folks in and out and given the extent of his injuries. At some point in the long day we were told that briefly he had been taken off the breathing apparatus and could not sustain breath. Although put back on life support, Kyle was pronounced dead at 4:45 p.m. on the 6th. He would continue to be stabilized so that his organs and tissues and corneas could be taken late that night. Before we went to Della's for dinner (blessed friend feeding us all) I said a quick goodbye, promising to be back later.

Due to the late night and the distance back to the hospital and the fact that some of us had not slept in 36 hours, Gearey suggested that Miranda and I get some sleep and that he make the trip back to the hospital (he and Leeanne were sleeping at the hotel next door to the hospital). I wanted so much to go back and to be with Kyle and kiss him one more time, but it was not to be. I asked Gear to explain why I wasn't there (as if Ky could have understood) and to give him a last goodbye from me. Gear told me that he felt that it was his job to be with Kyle these final moments, the way driving him to college had been his job, and the way, too, I realized, that cutting the umbilical cord had been his job. These were counterpart to my job, of bathing Ky's hands and feet and cleaning paint from under his fingernails and sand out from between his toes. It is a mother's job to care for her child's body in infancy, in childhood, in severe illness or injury, and finally, if it should be so untimely, in death.

So a year ago tonight, Gearey visited Kyle for the last time and said our goodbyes. The operation happened about midnight and in four hospitals in three states, four men were prepped to receive Kyle's "pristine" lungs, kidneys, and liver and their second chance at life.

The 5th of July - Part II: The Day Ends

Devon arrives first. Then Flynn with dark hair. The Cat (The Puss) greets her better than before, allowing himself to be stroked, whereas in the past he would run under my bed to hide. Toby recognizes Flynn and wags his tail less enthusiastically than many a dog, but with clear recognition.

George and Andrew and Sean and Aaron and Phil and Sean's friend Kate arrive and over pizza and beer we share stories for a long time.

At 4:30 we leave in separate cars to head to Forest Lawn where--what with 2 Sigalerts and a police break it's about 6pm closing time when Dev and I get there--we eventually meet Dorian and Nancy, Olivia and John, and Ky's friends. They have brought flowers and potted flowering plants for me to take home after.

We sit for a long time. We say some things directly to Kyle, we tell stories, we laugh a lot. No one has come to remind us about closing time. I check the time; I feel seven o'clock looming, the time of Ky's accident exactly one year ago. Over the next several minutes we are acutely aware that this was when he ran and climbed and fell.

Dorian says a few words and sings "What a Wonderful World" and then "Nature Boy." As he sings I can hear Nat King Cole's version too.


There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
"the greatest thing you’ll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"


We cry, we sit a while longer, and then say goodbye again to our beautiful young man.

Kyle's Goodbye

I found the following poem in Ky's notebook that was mostly full of awkward scratchings (Ky trying to master a "writing" style). The notebook was in the backpack he carried with him on the train. No one knows for sure when he wrote this. Neither George nor Laura saw him writing. Obviously Ky wrote it sometime between his trip down to Santa Cruz on the 4th and his trip back on the evening of the 5th at about 6:30.



LAST STOP


HEADED DOWN TO SANTA CRUZ

FOR THE 4TH OF JULY. PERSONALLY

I ALWAYS LIKED THE

HOLIDAY. LOTS OF DRINKING

AND EXPLOSIONS AND FOOD

AND FAKE PATRIOTIC BULLSHIT.

LOADED UP THE BAG WITH

THE USUAL. CLOTHING AND

BOOZE AND DRUGS AND

SOME SHIT TO TAG WITH.

A LITTLE VACATION --



The title will haunt me all of my days.

The 5th of July: Part I - The Day Begins

In a little while Ky's friends will arrive: George, Sean, Andrew, Phil, and Flynn. Cousin Dev will come too. It was hard to know how to spend this day being with his closest buds, with those who loved him and miss him. Later I'll go to visit Ky at Forest Lawn.

I'm putting on the reggae and chillin the beers.
The guest of honor, unfortunately, can not attend.

Kyle with Laura in earthtones

A Song Found on Ky's iPod . . . Thank U Mama

Thank U mama for the nine months u carried me through
All the pain an sufferin
No one knows the pressure you bare a just only you
Give you all my love oh yea
Thank U mama for the nine months u carried me through
All the pain an sufferin
No one knows the pressure you bare a just only you
It's my words and my utterin

Mama I would never let you down
I'll never go away
I'll always be around
You know why you do it
Such love that you found
I'm always gonna let you wear that crown
Through the roughest of times you maintain your count (eh)
I was your only (yea)
While shelterin me from the storm
And when its cold you wrap me in a towel so warm
Oh ma oh ma
I'm so glad I was born

Chorus (Thank U mama for the nine months . . . )

I'm gonna make u so proud
Such good son you have
You are the one who teaches me all the good from the bad
Even when the system keeps pressurin my dad
You got high hopes
Thanks be unto the most high Jah

Chorus (Thank U mama for the nine months . . . )

I'm a big man now that's something gold
Things you do to survive only jah he knows
Fiercely protecting us while watchin us grow
You been (oh) even when its on the down low
Work so hard to see us go to school
Blisters on your fingers so they cant take us for fool
I'm here for a purpose, I'm here to rule
Most high jah Rasta fari will see us through

Chorus (Thank U mama for the nine months . . . )

Now it's my turn to make life
I'm so mature
(u know) I got my kids and my wife and im positivley sure
I'm doing fine
And still can be so much more
You have prepared me for the future (my love you deserve)
You been doing your thing while others not knowing
But deep inside your heart mama you know where it was going
Can a mother lose her tender care for her child that she may showin
Some how your star keeps glowin


(Fade out on chorus)
Thank U mama for the nine months u carried me through
All the pain an sufferin
No one knows the pressure you bare a just only you
Give you all my love oh yea . . .


Thank you, Ky, for the 22 years you made me proud and filled my heart with love.
And thank you for sending me this song, even though you never knew I heard it.

The 4th of July - Part IV: Just Short of Perfect

This morning I talked to Laura who is happy and fulfilled working in PR and loving getting up every morning in NYC. She feels that knowing Kyle has helped her get to this good place. It was comforting to hear her voice. She is always in my heart.

I spent the afternoon with many long-time friends: Lloyd & Joanne & Cooper & friend, Nancy & Dorian and their ever-sweet Olivia and John, Louise, Joyce, Francesca & Sally, Karen & Chris, & old/new acquaintances Jerry & Mariette.

The food was plentiful and delicious, the humor was to the gallows and back, the talk was as deep and as shallow as one would want, stories were old and new.

The topper was that there was NO traffic across the valley, down the 405, and on the 90. I sailed to MDR. Saw lots and lots of cops and lots of people being stopped. Not surprisingly enough all were caught DWB.

I left the party (before I got tired or sad) but could have stayed comfortably for hours more. Old friends are so easy and essential. Like breathing.

The day was just short of perfect.

The 4th of July - Part III: You Want Signs?

of course i talk to Ky all the time. and in the pool this morning i'm sure i said something to him like, "Just give me a sign." the problem with asking for signs is then you see signs everywhere; whether they are there or not.

well, just now, as i was finishing blogging, i hear reggae booming from my balcony. as if i'd just pulled up one of Ky's many tunes from my iTunes. i realize it's coming from below the balcony so i look out to see if there is a car stalled below.

there is not a car.
but there are people.
riding by on bicycles.
young, old, men, women, children.
must be 20 or so or more riding on by.
in a long long line.
i see flags and dreads and baskets and mostly i hear the wonderful pulse of reggae.

i'll take it as a sign.
it would be like Ky to make it a reggae sign.
saying, "Put on some of my music."
and i will and i'll crank it up.
thanks, baby.

The 4th of July - Part II: A Beautiful Day

the first thing to remember about today is that one year ago on the 4th of July Kyle was happy. he spent the day with George and Laura and he was having a wonderful time.

and one year ago, on the 4th, Sallie and I--having the first day off in ages-- completely luxuriated in the condo pool for hours and hours. we swam or floated around, sat, sunned, read, chatted, had a light meal and drinks. all in the sun. i rarely used the pool in the two years i'd lived here. Sallie had taken to the pool the moment she'd arrived, but not me. i wouldn't get into using the pool until after Ky's death, when it became the source of great aquatherapy and meditation.

we would, some time in that gorgeous sunny day, have our brief cell phone call with Ky. he was in Santa Cruz, having fun, George was there. he talked with Sal and with me and said those last words, "I'll call you when I'm back in the city, Mom. Love you." and, as Ky would say, it was "all good."

so, in replaying this day, we don't need to feel bad; we haven't come to the scary part. as a boy, forever in tune with music, Ky would run from the room as soon as the music told him the scary part was starting. well, the music hasn't changed. the scary part's not starting yet.

so don't cry for me or Ky or anyone or yourself yet. today is the anniversary of a beautiful 4th of July where relaxation and fun and friendship and love reigned.

The 4th of July - Part I: Not Alone

this is a pic of Laura (well a sliver of Laura) and Kyle. Laura did the colors thing; she is quite artistic. i like this pic of Ky because i know he is having a good time; he's with Laura; they are lying around together (not doing homework, not working). i don't know how they took it, though maybe Laura did with her cell, which is why we can't see her. it was taken early in their all too brief relationship, in the early months of 2007. i wanted to post something that would remind me that Kyle was in love and not alone.

i, also, am loved and not alone. family and friends have been leaving messages or posting or otherwise letting me know that they are holding me in their thoughts. holding me. perfect words. they are holding me and no doubt trying to protect me against what i--along with gearey and miranda and laura and many many others--will relive over the next few days.

i will be with friends during the mid-day. i will lock Toby in the bathroom with KUSC and take a short walk down the channel to the fireworks. i will be okay. after all, last year's 4th of July was a beautiful day.