day by day

i can't blog right now. the words aren't coming together well. the ideas are fragments. a couple days ago i started to blog about "i am crying less." then i got up yesterday and spent the day off and on crying more than i had in a week.

i started crying for no reason. on my way to pick up my completed taxes in Pasadena. a happy occasion 'cause i'll get a return? yes, but no; as i drove past the Greene and Greene house, past the Neighborhood Church i used to attend, i got all teary again. i parked overlooking the Rose Bowl and the Arroyo, reviewed my completed tax returns, signed them, sealed the envelopes to the Feds and Sacramento, and drove to the post office on Lincoln. back in the car i'm crying still.

i cried through breakfast with barb. she's not reading my blog, but as she is one of my dearest friends i had to tell her about the marker selection process and the ambulance invoice. more tears. later talking to gear about the mortuary bills, we spoke about kyle and the water works returned.

after work i visited Forest Lawn and ky's grave. the sky had been overcast, but as it got later, the sun came out long enough to throw golden streaks across the hills to the east and the valley below me. i looked to the left, wondering about the coyote. i heard some howling and yipping further off. i figured the coyotes were busy hunting. i heard crows and different kinds of birds. in trees close by, flying high over head. the sun sank lower and i was filled with peace.

i turned and looked behind me up past the big pine and saw two squirrels. except that they weren't squirrels. tiny foxes? no. a pair of big brown rabbits. they ate for a long while. eventually they turned and i saw two white backsides hop into the brush.

that was yesterday. today was a day without tears. not that tears are a bad thing. but i guess i've learned that i can't presume that any trends are happening here. some days i'm a crying machine. some days i am not. some days i forget ky is gone and am surprised all over again that he is dead. and some days i know before i am awake.