so sometimes i am irritable and sometimes i am beyond exhaustion and sometimes i am completely at peace and sometimes i have infinite compassion and sometimes i want to scream. and i am still quite numb.
i discover the day is passing and i haven't cried yet and i feel like i am dishonoring my son. and i fear the day that i don't cry at all and the eventual day that i'll reach nightfall without having thought about him.
i miss his exquisite hands, his crooked front teeth, his long boney giant spider hugs, his size 14 feet, his cell phone calls from bus stops and train stops on the way to work, from work, to class, to home.
i miss his voice. and i have no recording of it. he never learned to program his cell phone with an announcement. if anyone has a message saved please let me know.
Kyle's last conversation with me on the 4th of July having fun with friends in Santa Cruz: "I'll call you when I'm back in the city, Mom. I love you."
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