it might be a blessing right now that kyle lived in san francisco.
he had been living there for four short years. for a while after he headed up to SFSU in 2003, it was clear his home was LA, certainly until 2005 when i moved from Eagle Rock to the westside. then i learned he felt i was depriving him of a home; sort of a shock, since i was so proud i had provided him the same home for 18 years--something i had never had growing up. he wanted me to "do what i had to do," but didn't want me to expect him "to be happy about it." he didn't want me to feel guilty, he just wanted me to know that it wasn't his choice.
ky came home for stints after classes ended in may, tended to go back up north in july. he came on Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring breaks--right near his birthday. this year he came down on Memorial Day too and was planning on another trip in the summer. he wanted to introduce us to Laura, his lovely girlfriend.
when home, he'd go out painting/writing on the Venice beach graffiti wall, go to galleries, have lunches or dinners with his dad, see some friends. but he tended to get bored, antsy, and always seemed ready to head back up to San Francisco.
my sister sallie had come to visit in November, feeling out California for a bit and had stayed on through the holidays, and then the spring. i made it clear to both sallie and kyle that the bedroom was kyle's, for him to have when he came home. she'd bunk in with me during his visits. it was so he wouldn't feel thrown out, would know he had a home. so there wouldn't be a huge pressure for him if he didn't have a solid plan after graduation, if SF hadn't become the home for him that NYC had become for miranda. i presumed that following his graduation, he might come back to LA. like every parent i hoped he wouldn't live with me forever, but i wanted him to know that if San Francisco was too cold or too wrong or too something, that he had a home with me for a while.
but then sometime during the winter or the spring he said on a call, "Mom, you know San Francisco is my home now. I have work and friends here, so don't expect me to move back in." i was surprised and pleased for him. i wanted him to feel he belonged some place. coming back to LA might feel like he was retreating and i was glad he saw himself with a future in that wonderful city. hell, SF is tackling the health insurance issue and kyle would be 23 next year and no longer eligible on my heath plan. but also i wondered whether he was saying this so that sallie would feel welcome to stay longer.
of course the other reason i was pleased was that he wouldn't be here in LA driving on the freeways. he had a tendency to drive a little like a maniac. he'd never drink and drive, but he had a genetic inheritance (3rd generation) of, shall we say, an automotive-related eruptive temperament. the more he stayed up north, the safer he would be. god bless public transportation. SFSU and San Francisco were providing a holding tank, a place of safety where kyle could grow up without the danger of driving.
i think of the traditional tale (repeated by Maugham and O'Hara), where a servant runs away to Samarra after seeing Death gesturing to him in the market place in Baghdad--and when his master confronts Death, Death says that he was not gesturing to the servant, but only expressing surprise to see him in Baghdad, because he actually has an appoinment to see him that evening in Samarra. in aiding my son to avoid Death on the freeways of LA , i could not protect him from a Death by transportation in SF.
and, you might now ask, what is the blessing that i mentioned at the start?
because i am used to his being gone up north, just up the highway.
because i am used to knowing he'll be coming "home" again in a couple of months.
the time he is gone now feels like the times he's been gone before.
and every so often i have that brief lovely expectation flash through my mind, kyle will be back from school again soon.
it's only a flash, but it's so lovely for the precious moment
before i remember.
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