Giving Away Ky's Clothes

This isn't easy. It's 3 and 1/2 years. S. and R. have slowly moved Kyle's clothes out of his room and into bags, first behind my headboard and then---when I was getting the place painted and new rugs put down---out onto the balcony. They've been out there almost a year now. But it's time to deal with it, but I'm just procrastinating.

It's time to say goodbye to his clothes and I can't bare it. It's helped that R. has started to wash some things, but I want really don't want her to. I can't bear that I won't be able to bury my head in a sweatshirt and smell my boy.

A family friend, who is very tall and is a housepainter, could really use the clothes, even all the paint stained things. We found three jackets -- one brand new. I feel good that Ky's clothes will go to someone who needs them. Things he can't use he'll pass on to others who can. I found so many pairs of Dickey pants -- in great condition except for the paint stains. I know I bought Ky a bunch of his Dickey stuff, but other than the paint stains, several pairs seem to be almost brand new. I found a black Dickey shirt without stains. I put it on. I'm wearing it still. Don't think I'll be able to part with it.

One of the saddest things for me, his mom, is all his boxers. I recognize all the boxers. Kids don't buy boxers; they let moms do it. Each was worn and washed so much the cloth is thin. He clearly never threw any out.

I don't want to give away Kyle's clothes. I want my son to come back and get them.

It's been a while . . .

In my mind, I have started many new entries. But, I guess I don't actually blog because the searing pain of losing Kyle has subsided and my drive to make sense of things has lessened. Or maybe I'm at a plateau where I understand as much as I'm going to for a while.

For months, I have wanted to write about magical thinking. Although I tend to be rooted in the rational, I spent weeks talking to a flickering street lamp when out walking my dog at night, half believing it was Kyle. My sister Sal, who has always been a bit psychic, says that messing around with electricity is something that spirits can pull off. (She's convinced that Kyle was the one setting off our fire detectors in the middle of the night.) I don't buy it really, but the street lamp had an uncanny ability to blink off or on or flicker right at the end of my questions I posed. While not believing, I still couldn't not speak to him, just in case. How could I abandon my boy, stuck in another dimension.

Then one night, the darned lamp was bright bright, no pulsing on and off anymore. In fact, it was so bright, I could barely look at it. Someone had fixed the lamp and Ky was clearly no where near. I felt a little silly, having spent time talking to a lamppost way after dark.

Thank you being there, for reading. My hope is that it helps or illumines something or, by telling one mother's story it tells many mothers' story.

Kyle is in my thoughts throughout every day. I miss him terribly still.

Now that's a relief . . .

They've finally announced it. MJ will not be at Forest Lawn in the Hollywood Hills. He will be at FL in Glendale. Thank heavens.

i love finding another picture

i love it when i find pictures of Kyle. i don't remember taking this one. i believe it was the last time he was in LA, possibly Memorial Day weekend. he is packing the great green bag that his dad gave him and my sister sallie will soon be driving him to Santa Monica to take the commuter bus back up to San Francisco. the look on his face is not the challenging, "Mom, stop it with the camera," it's more a look of "Okay, i'll indulge you one more time." as ever, there are his long, strong, beautiful hands.

the 6th of july

i wake up monday morning feeling as if i will do fine. i have mourned and celebrated my boy with friends and family at Forest Lawn the night before. we've had dinner at Mijares. (bless that place and their margaritas.) i've gone to bed with a slight headache (i don't get headaches) and am out cold soon.

i head off to work and am doing okay. a colleague takes me to lunch. i tell her about the 4th and the 5th and say how it's now the 6th. of course the 6th is the day they stop life support. the 6th is the day he is really gone, gone even more than on the 5th which was pretty gone. as the day starts to slow into the afternoon i feel myself very aware of 4:45pm. the time kyle was pronounced dead on july 6th in 2007.

suddenly i know i can't be in the office at 4:45. so at 4 i leave and drive home. i grab a stick of incense and a lighter and walk to the shore. i light the incense and the waves drown out the sound of my sobs as i say goodbye again. i sit on the rocks and stare out into the bright afternoon sun; soon, by ones and twos, 17 pelicans circle and crash land into the waves. they bob and dip for fish. i watch until they have had their full and take off, again in ones and twos, all heading in the same direction.

i walk back. and go to bed early again. the 7th is bound to be better.

the 5th of july

we tried to gather at 5:30 at Forest Lawn.
easier said than done.
the news vans had been gathered since the prior morning following the rumor that MJ was at the mortuary. although i had been assured on saturday that the cemetery entry gates would not be closed until 6pm, at about 5:20 a security man came by to tell me that the park was now closed and had been since 5pm. i protested of course, telling him i had spoken with FL folks the day before and that i received permission to hold a small gathering at my son's grave at 5:30. he wrote down kyle's name and said he'd let people through. most everyone still had some problems getting in and one car of ky's buds was turned away. we were able to call them and have them turn around and eventually we were all gathered together: sallie and sel; siena and justin; dorian, nancy, and johnny; george, andrew, and aaron; courtnay; nadia, sabrina and their mom ursula; flynn and sonia; rhea and me.


we sat on ky's quilts (his favorite from aunt della), burned incense, and told stories. i played a few clips of his voice. we laughed a lot. just after 7:00, we stood in a circle and said goodbye. it was good.

it's the 4th of july 2009

first of all, two years ago all day long, kyle was alive and happy and with people he loved and who loved him. two years ago he called me to wish me Happy 4th. it was a quick call, which i regret to remember i rushed a little. the last words he said to me were, "i'll call you when i'm back in the city." and of course, "love you." we never spoke without saying "love you" at the end.

today on my way to ER to see a client, i went to Forest Lawn. even tho i'll be there tomorrow night, i wanted to visit and bring a plant for Kyle, which i put in a wire holder to keep it from turning over, rolling away, or burning the grass underneath. the other reason i went to FL is that on the news last night it was announced that a recently deceased super pop star may be there and i feared that traffic would interfere with our small gathering tomorrow night.

on arrival i was distressed to see many news vans and a couple of patrol cars. a police officer told me that tomorrow at some point the cemetery would be closed. i went inside to the reception desk and was relieved when assured that the park would never be closed except at the end of the day. so our 5:30 gathering is on.

i am back at home.
starting to feel a dull dreading.
i recognize that feeling.