Mysterious Ways

Lovely Laura, Kyle's girlfriend, came over last night. She is doing beautifully, having just graduated from the University of San Francisco with a psychology major. She looked wonderful and healthy and was upbeat. It was so comforting to see her doing so well.

Laura had done a remarkably brave thing. She had taken the Caltrain again. THE train from near Santa Cruz headed north. THE train that had stopped for 45 minutes and then, while Kyle was going to fetch them Chinese food, started up again after only 20 to 30 minutes. The train he had tried to climb on. The train he had fallen from.

Laura had gone to the second story (I hadn't realized this was a double decker train) and taken a seat. She sat at the back, as close to the seat she had sat in on July 5th as she could tell. It was not easy.

Obviously, this would have been overwhelming for anyone who had lost her boyfriend in a train accident. But two more things happened to shake her up a bit. The seatback that she faced was covered in graffiti. Writing not that artistic, kind of like Kyle would have done if he'd taken to defacing backs of seats on trains. She looked around at the other seats. No other had writing of any kind.

The she found beneath her seat a bag containing Chinese food, left untouched by a previous passenger. She called her parents.

I'm not going so far as to say that Kyle finally delivered Laura the food he promised but left in a hurry. But hearing about the graffiti and the food did take my breath away.

One more reason I may have to start Atheists for an Afterlife.

Get Thee to a Nunnery

since sal brought it up on Mir's blog, i'm going to talk about my weight.

when ky died i couldn't eat. couldn't think about eating. people kept saying, "you've got to eat," but no, i didn't have to eat. i have enough stores of sustenance on this body to keep me going for a long time. if i'd been in the Donner party, i still would have been been worth munching on at the way end of the trek.

true to form, a few days after my appetite came back. in spades. it was if my stomach thought it could bring kyle back if i could just fill it until bursting. and talk about really understanding the meaning of comfort food? ohmigod. i only wanted ice cream, french fries, cheeseburgers, candy bars, chips. not good. i was miserable about kyle and miserable about eating. i loved and hated every morsel. i gained 7 pounds in the weeks and months following kyle's death. but i didn't care.

except that i do care. in fact, i am a little hyper-aware of my mortality. i have a nasty genetic situation. my mother died at 59 (i am 58 and 11/12ths) of a pulmonary embolism; my father died at 61 of a massive coronary; my nana whitham had 3 heart attacks in her 50's--although lived to 84; and there's more. cancer, diabetes, stroke. we have it all in my family tree.

i needed the dietary equivalent of a nunnery. unless i did something drastic, weight loss was not gonna be happening. and then i remembered the UCLA RFO (Risk Factor Obesity) Program. i had done it 4 years ago and lost 35 pounds--i looked pretty damned hot for a zoftig gal. but did i reach my goal weight? no. did i do the maintenance classes? no. did i resort to my old habits (Eating Equals Over-Eating)? yes, i did. and regained the weight.

so, on miranda's birthday i returned to the RFO clinic, where they have a team of folks on you like white on rice. weekly you are weighed; they take your blood; they give you an EKG; you visit with the doctor and the nutritionist. then you go to nutrition, behavior, and support classes. it's a chunk of one's Saturday morning (and i have to be there before 7:45 a.m. in order to get to work in Eagle Rock by 11).

oh, also that's when you buy your food. well, your boxes of envelopes of nutritional product. you get 7 soup/shake packets a day, each packet containing 15 grams of protein and 100 calories. "Seven hundred calories a day!" you gasp. yes, indeed. and ohmigod does the weight fall off. i've lost 15 pounds since 11/17, even with Thanksgiving.

i am feeling terrific. the stuff tastes fine. i usually take Saturday nights off so i can be a bit better of a companion when i get together with friends. even then, i am cautious in my choices. you would never believe how good a cup of fresh berries (with a little whipped cream) taste when you've been living on soy protein.

i know this sounds extreme, but i need to take extreme measures. i was killing myself with food. and that is selfish and unfair. i have a daughter and brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and cousins and friends. and, damn it, i am not going to give any of them one more loss for a long long time. i'll meet up with kyle at that great reggae sunsplash when i'm ninety and not a day before.

Hail to the Food Committee: Amber, Courtnay, Danielle, Nadia

Three of the four girls in the picture (Eagle Rock Prom 2002) are three of the four wonderful young women who became the KyleSplash Food Committee. After meeting once with my sister Sallie, we barely heard from them, but they were a catering miracle. They met, they planned, they recruited, they shopped, they cooked, they rallied (the set up guys, the ice-retrievers), they showed up, they arranged tables, they made a magnificent spread, they fed hundreds, THEN they cleaned, and they cleaned more. I looked up--having just hugged every one of the throng of family and friends--and the place was spotless.

In the photo above are Courtnay (3rd from left), Danielle (5th from left), and Nadia, (7th from left). I'll find a picture of Amber one of these days and you'll get to see her. All of these wonderful young women knew Kyle for many years. I thank them for their love of Kyle then, and the love that inspired their awesome contribution to KyleSplash.

And of course, to those not mentioned here who also cooked and helped, I am so grateful.