Get Thee to a Nunnery

since sal brought it up on Mir's blog, i'm going to talk about my weight.

when ky died i couldn't eat. couldn't think about eating. people kept saying, "you've got to eat," but no, i didn't have to eat. i have enough stores of sustenance on this body to keep me going for a long time. if i'd been in the Donner party, i still would have been been worth munching on at the way end of the trek.

true to form, a few days after my appetite came back. in spades. it was if my stomach thought it could bring kyle back if i could just fill it until bursting. and talk about really understanding the meaning of comfort food? ohmigod. i only wanted ice cream, french fries, cheeseburgers, candy bars, chips. not good. i was miserable about kyle and miserable about eating. i loved and hated every morsel. i gained 7 pounds in the weeks and months following kyle's death. but i didn't care.

except that i do care. in fact, i am a little hyper-aware of my mortality. i have a nasty genetic situation. my mother died at 59 (i am 58 and 11/12ths) of a pulmonary embolism; my father died at 61 of a massive coronary; my nana whitham had 3 heart attacks in her 50's--although lived to 84; and there's more. cancer, diabetes, stroke. we have it all in my family tree.

i needed the dietary equivalent of a nunnery. unless i did something drastic, weight loss was not gonna be happening. and then i remembered the UCLA RFO (Risk Factor Obesity) Program. i had done it 4 years ago and lost 35 pounds--i looked pretty damned hot for a zoftig gal. but did i reach my goal weight? no. did i do the maintenance classes? no. did i resort to my old habits (Eating Equals Over-Eating)? yes, i did. and regained the weight.

so, on miranda's birthday i returned to the RFO clinic, where they have a team of folks on you like white on rice. weekly you are weighed; they take your blood; they give you an EKG; you visit with the doctor and the nutritionist. then you go to nutrition, behavior, and support classes. it's a chunk of one's Saturday morning (and i have to be there before 7:45 a.m. in order to get to work in Eagle Rock by 11).

oh, also that's when you buy your food. well, your boxes of envelopes of nutritional product. you get 7 soup/shake packets a day, each packet containing 15 grams of protein and 100 calories. "Seven hundred calories a day!" you gasp. yes, indeed. and ohmigod does the weight fall off. i've lost 15 pounds since 11/17, even with Thanksgiving.

i am feeling terrific. the stuff tastes fine. i usually take Saturday nights off so i can be a bit better of a companion when i get together with friends. even then, i am cautious in my choices. you would never believe how good a cup of fresh berries (with a little whipped cream) taste when you've been living on soy protein.

i know this sounds extreme, but i need to take extreme measures. i was killing myself with food. and that is selfish and unfair. i have a daughter and brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and cousins and friends. and, damn it, i am not going to give any of them one more loss for a long long time. i'll meet up with kyle at that great reggae sunsplash when i'm ninety and not a day before.