the 6th of july

i wake up monday morning feeling as if i will do fine. i have mourned and celebrated my boy with friends and family at Forest Lawn the night before. we've had dinner at Mijares. (bless that place and their margaritas.) i've gone to bed with a slight headache (i don't get headaches) and am out cold soon.

i head off to work and am doing okay. a colleague takes me to lunch. i tell her about the 4th and the 5th and say how it's now the 6th. of course the 6th is the day they stop life support. the 6th is the day he is really gone, gone even more than on the 5th which was pretty gone. as the day starts to slow into the afternoon i feel myself very aware of 4:45pm. the time kyle was pronounced dead on july 6th in 2007.

suddenly i know i can't be in the office at 4:45. so at 4 i leave and drive home. i grab a stick of incense and a lighter and walk to the shore. i light the incense and the waves drown out the sound of my sobs as i say goodbye again. i sit on the rocks and stare out into the bright afternoon sun; soon, by ones and twos, 17 pelicans circle and crash land into the waves. they bob and dip for fish. i watch until they have had their full and take off, again in ones and twos, all heading in the same direction.

i walk back. and go to bed early again. the 7th is bound to be better.