i can't even blog these days . . .

people give me feedback that am handling all of this well. i guess this is true enough. i've been reading Good Grief, a charming tale of a widow, who drives through her garage door rushing home to tell her husband something long AFTER he has died, and shows up at work in bathrobe and slippers. the author did a year of research, so i guess this kind of behavior is common. if so, i am in great shape.

however.
i have had a rough week or so. i am so busy working that i'm crazed and yet don't have too many options to change that (the work schedule). am trying, believe me.

i've been so busy and so tired i can't blog. i feel really bad about that. there are drafts i have started. there are birthdays i've wanted to acknowledge: nephew tim on halloween, nephew william on 11/1, dear niece katie TODAY. there are thoughts i've wanted to share. i'm failing at the blogging. i love doing it, but it has become another thing on my to do list. right after Pay the Over Due Car Insurance!!! shit, must do that today.

and right now i am stealing time from work to blog. isn't that how it always goes? you feel really alive and full of energy to do OTHER things than your work when you are supposed to be working. good news: next week i have jury duty. i can't wait to sit there all day. i'll bring my computer and blog away.

yesterday was tough. i started crying for no reason. yes. there was no cognition prior to the tears. i was driving, listening to the radio. there was nothing coming through the airwaves remotely related to any reminder of ky, his death, children, families. and suddenly i was crying. then later i started crying at work when i got a call from the SFSU woman overseeing the scholarship. it's up over the ten thousand minimum needed, and she said the annual gift can be $400 now. so i started crying. that's a lie, i started crying when i picked up the phone and heard it was her (she's a lovely person, who lost her grandmother in India around the time ky died). and then i had to explain to a psychiatry fellow in the hallway and later a family i saw why my eyes were all red so they didn't think i was a nut case. and basically all day i looked like a red-eyed puffy mess, cause i never really dried up the faucets.

so crying, eating, watching stupid TV, in the midst of work and friends--who are so caring and wonderful. but i may have to high-tail it to a Grief Group. my theory is that if i do a whole bunch of Appropriate Time & Place Grieving, then maybe i'll be able to get through a day without any Inappropriate Time & Place Grieving. of course it will NOT be that simple, will it?

so, i turn another page in the never-ending story . . .