July 3rd -- Happy News

Miranda called on the 3rd to say that Joshua and she will get married next year. Such happy news. And how thoughtful of Joshua to choose this time to propose--on the 3rd of July--giving us a joyful memory to add to all the sad ones of the holiday.

Miranda was feeling a little guilty going away for the weekend, when she has spent the last three anniversaries in some form of mourning. When she called to tell me, she mentioned that. I said what I always say to myself, that Kyle spent the 4th and most of the 5th joyous and happy and with George and Laura at Santa Cruz and the beach and in a bookstore, and that it wasn't until the night of the 5th that the nightmare started.

But now, we have Miranda's marriage to Joshua to look forward to. He is a dear and loving man, supportive, caring, strong, thoughtful. I am gaining a wonderful son.

4 years ago tonight

we gathered tonight. a lovely group. nothing formal. george, andrew, sean, brian, esther, nadia, barb, marylou, di, siena, sel & sal, nancy, olivia, johnny, and great surprise - paul j. & james w/ carl.

the coyote showed up, some bunnies. later crows. still later after everyone but me and ML had left, a family of deer. momma, poppa & baby. politely, they didn't go for Ky's flowers or the plant that the harewoods brought. they stayed around, moving across Abiding Love and then across the hillside and then down and across the street to lower fields. as i drove away and around the bend, i had to wait for them as they crossed another street in front of me.

became aware today of wanting the silence that it takes to let the feelings come. purposefully didn't play the radio, except classical music. became more aware of how talk and food and drink takes up the space and dulls the emotions. maybe i am more afraid of the flow of feelings now than in the past.

it's not that i didn't cry or didn't feel. it's that i didn't linger, didn't quite face everything today, tonight.

dearest son, beautiful boy. i miss you.

Giving Away Ky's Clothes

This isn't easy. It's 3 and 1/2 years. S. and R. have slowly moved Kyle's clothes out of his room and into bags, first behind my headboard and then---when I was getting the place painted and new rugs put down---out onto the balcony. They've been out there almost a year now. But it's time to deal with it, but I'm just procrastinating.

It's time to say goodbye to his clothes and I can't bare it. It's helped that R. has started to wash some things, but I want really don't want her to. I can't bear that I won't be able to bury my head in a sweatshirt and smell my boy.

A family friend, who is very tall and is a housepainter, could really use the clothes, even all the paint stained things. We found three jackets -- one brand new. I feel good that Ky's clothes will go to someone who needs them. Things he can't use he'll pass on to others who can. I found so many pairs of Dickey pants -- in great condition except for the paint stains. I know I bought Ky a bunch of his Dickey stuff, but other than the paint stains, several pairs seem to be almost brand new. I found a black Dickey shirt without stains. I put it on. I'm wearing it still. Don't think I'll be able to part with it.

One of the saddest things for me, his mom, is all his boxers. I recognize all the boxers. Kids don't buy boxers; they let moms do it. Each was worn and washed so much the cloth is thin. He clearly never threw any out.

I don't want to give away Kyle's clothes. I want my son to come back and get them.